An endless cycle
by LIVEalittleLOVEsome
Summary: It's raining (of course, it's raining because your life is full of clichés and maybe that means someday you'll get your happy ending) when those eyes hit you at full force, blazing with intensity that hasn't died down even after everything.


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Like the legend of the phoenix

All ends with beginnings

What keeps the planet spinning

The force from the beginning

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It's raining (of course, it's raining because your life is full of clichés and maybe that means someday you'll get your happy ending) when those eyes hit you at full force, blazing with intensity that hasn't died down even after everything. They belong to someone whom you've wished to never lay eyes on again. Because everything with her is a cycle, a game that you always lose, a knife that will inevitably plunge into your skin (but you still hold her gaze for those three agonizing seconds, still feel the goosebumbs peak on your skin, still hold your breath and discreetly pinch your skin hoping to find yourself in a nightmare wrapped up in a dream that you'll awake from any moment).

But you're not waking up. This is real. And she hasn't moved.

Once again, you're caught between the urge to drop everything and run away from her and the equally strong impulse to forget everything and run toward her without ever looking back. But instead of moving, you stand petrified, drowning in the middle of the street while all the memories that you've tried so hard to bury come flooding back just like in those cliché muggle movies that you used to watch together. You watch the memories unfold, distant from the scene, almost like you're watching the telly (but that shouldn't have been the first comparison that you thought of because it's actually more like looking into a pensieve).

* * *

It's the summer before sixth year. Two girls, one boy, an unlikely group of secret friends—Narcissa, Remus, and Marlene—lie outside laughing while misery and fear and the rest of the world lay forgotten. Remus makes an uncharacteristic comment about Marlene's luck (or lack of) with blokes and she playfully smacks him and Narcissa chuckles and Remus blushes. A few moments later a few drops fall out of the sky, and all of a sudden, the kind of rain that comes out of nowhere begins and it's pouring and all three of them are completely drenched in a matter of seconds. Reality still hasn't caught up with them and they remain happy and oblivious and over the rain Marlene's laugh and voice is prominent, "Oh, I've always loved the rain in the summer! Especially on warm days like this, Mum and Dad always yell for bringing in the water with me but it's always worth it, especially when I'm with people I love."

The scene fades and gone is the quiet, rainy day. You're transported to quite the opposite actually, flashy lights and vibrating music, and people everywhere wearing tiny muggle clothes all masking their sadness with a smile that you can relate to now. You watch this night unfold, but you know how it's going to inevitably end.

"Lupin, it's a mystery how you know about a place like this," Narcissa shouts over the music. All three of them are standing in a secluded corner.

"Hey, I'm part of the marauders for a reason, aren't I?"

Soon enough, a beautiful girl whisks Remus away, deaf to his protests, and Narcissa and Marlene are left in their corner of the room, both of them looking back at Remus one too many times, unsure of how to proceed.

"Let's dance, Narcissa. C'mon." And soon enough, Marlene pulls her onto dance floor and both of them dance like they've never danced before.

The scene flashes to the same night, a few hours later. All three of them sit at the crowded bar, contemplating what drink to order.

Marlene prompts them, "Can I have a Virgin Cuba Libre?" She smiles at the barista confidently and glances at Narcissa and Remus, "See, it's not that hard." That is, until Narcissa, elbows her and redirects Marlene's gaze to her.

The barista looks befuddled, giving Marlene a strange look and inquires, "That's Rum and Coke...without the Rum?"

Marlene doesn't falter, "Yes and could you make that diet?"

The barista turns around, shaking her head while preparing the soda and all three of them laugh. "I don't think that's exactly how it's done, Marlene."

But soon enough the scene flashes and all three of them are drunk, singing happily and being escorted out of the club. Outside, under the street lamps and somber shadows and empty streets Marlene seems the most out of it, even with her initial persistence to stay sober.

"Did you guys know that I've never had better friends than you guys? I mean obviously you two don't feel the same way, because you have other people, Remus has the marauders and Narcissa, you have your Slytherin crowd. But me? I don't have anyone but you guys. I love you guys this much!" Marlene waves her hands in the air and Remus and Narcissa just laugh with her. Marlene continues, "So, I don't think you realize how much it hurts when you ignore me at Hogwarts, Narcissa? It bloody well hurts. And it hurts when I can't do what I want and have to control myself and this bloody war and everyone and death, I hate it all so much. But whatever, it's okay, because I love you."

"We love you too, Marlene," Narcissa says.

And Marlene steps closer and leans closer into Narcissa, face to face, eyes blazing, and Remus watches and the scene changes before they touch.

* * *

The memories fasten their pace. Soon all you see are flashes. Longing stares and turned back; scratched out names on letters and codenames for one another; secret meetings and laughter full of the weight of the war; curses aimed so precisely as to miss only by a centimeter; fights and sprawls and eye contact never lasting too long. The argument, the fight, the last time her laughter was heard, last time your own laughter wasn't laden with fright and anger and fear. The wrong decisions and the wedding she never came too, an invitation that lay in a room, never mailed out. The last meal you ate together, the last time someone cared, the last time you were truly happy.

You're promptly brought back to reality as her voice crashes down on you, a voice you haven't heard in years. She's right there. Right next to you. And you're looking at her, looking at Marlene… Marlene with her worn out robes, her blackened eyes, her stiff posture, her hair a mess, her absent smile. Everything is different, she's different (you pretend you're different too) but one glance into her eyes proves you wrong, because everything in them is screaming the same thing, everything in them is still fighting, everything in them still has hope (unlike yours).

"Narcissa," Marlene nodes at her. "Congratulations on the baby, I hope you're well."

Your lips moves to say something, anything really, but everything is jumbled in your head and nothing makes sense. She looks at you a second longer and continues to walk. Your instincts take over and you grab her arm.

"I'm sorry. For everything. I wish it all could have gone differently but I was never as strong as you." And before you could say anything more, you swiftly walk away (or as quickly as you can with the great big bump on your stomach).

* * *

The next day, the little encounter is pushed to the back of your head with all of the other memories and anyway, you've always been a great at occlumency. Lucius is home and it seems like a normal day and both of you are eating breakfast together. That is until, Lucius says in passing, "…killed, for good measure too, those McKinnon'swere always too much trouble..." and you look down at the newspaper and its words aren't making sense because they're all saying Marlene is dead and that can't be possible (that fire could never die) but your world is still crashing down on you and they are all wrongwrongwrong.

You agree with your husband softly, excuse yourself, wobble outside and stand strong as your world crumbles apart. With a whole bundle of _'you could have…' _and '_you should have…'_ and '_if only…'_ and _'maybe if's…'_ circling dizzily inside your head and you can't do this anymore. There goes the last sliver of hope. As you look into the sky and the rain drenches your skin, you know that happy ending will never be a possibility. You allow a few tears to mix up with the rain and it still hasn't completely sank in yet. She's dead. Marlene is dead. Gone. Forever. It feels like you can't breathe.

You hold your stomach, and the entire world is spinning. Lucius comes out of the house in time when something lurches in your stomach and before you know it you're at St. Mungo's and they are all saying things you don't understand (premature labor, poor thing, too much stress) and then the pain that follows is nothing like the jarring feeling that has settled in ever since Lucius has said the words (killed…those McKinnon's), but before you know it you're holding a small bundle of blankets and inside is the most beautiful boy and you're crying and laughing and Lucius has never looked so happy and at least you can blame it all on hormones and it's definitely not happy and it's definitely not perfect but you have Draco now and everything can hardly be as bad as it seemed before (and maybe this can be your imperfect ending).

Every year on Draco's birthday you remember Marlene, for a brief moment you allow the memories to flow and fill you with happiness and guilt and love before you push them back, take a deep breath, and return to your life.

* * *

a/n: for Tour de Fiction using all five prompts

your opinion would be lovely :)


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